Humans and human emotions are something I don’t think I can ever quite understand. Just when I think I know someone, BOOM, here comes reality, and I come crashing down. On some levels this is okay because we are all different, we all have expectations, and needless to say expectations vary from person-to-person. That doesn’t help being let down, it defiantly doesn’t help me from feeling hurt any less. Maybe I would like to hope I am worth more to someone I care about that a few shitty words or a judgement call that is so far off it’s unreal. Especially when it’s a person who you think knows you well enough to know better.
This leads me to the realization “who really knows anyone.” Humans are the great fabricator of the mask. A mask that no other species on the planet really feels the need to create. Animals don’t feel the need to hide the fact that they are a lion to become a lamb, nor do they feel the desire to become sheep because sheep are considered mild tempered and tolerant. NO, they defiantly do not. We are the only species that become the “victim” of our own perceptions, the perceptions of others, and, GOD FORBID we attempt to live up to something called free will. What in the actual fuck is free will? And who can really live by this philosophy? I’ll tell you who can NOT… That is the person who genuinely cares and also happens to be compassionate. The person who cannot is the person who dares to bring another dinner because it may brighten their rough day. It is most definitely not the person who attempts to bridge the gap in communication when one person is feeling unheard, and the other’s words are coming across in a harsh manner.
When people love people, intentions or best interests shouldn’t be invented; nor should the reasoning behind them be far-fetched. Just this evening I have repeated these words more times than I can count, to more people than I dare admit. “I do not do good things for thanks, nor for recognition. I do what I do out of love and the kindness of my heart.” I truly hope that maybe somebody, somewhere can see this and my compassion for what it really is. AND that those things become more to the outsider or person who knows no better than to question my efforts. Im sorry to disappoint but there is no benevolent agenda. For the person who does no better, I don’t really have any words here…
After several deep conversations this evening I realize that it’s impossible, even after 14 or even 20 years, to really get to know someone. Knowing someone through and through; to the extent you thought you did often become a fallacy. People consistently change and adapt based on their surroundings and what suits them best. People also conform to the pains they feel, and the masks they feel they have to hide behind.
It’s sad really. One would think 20 years is enough to REALLY get to know each-other, I have realized (and it all depends on the person, or people involved), that no matter the years, minutes, or even days that time can be introductory. Time is man made. Moments are real, memories are etched, but their meaning isn’t always the same to two different people. Time can run out whenever a person feels like they have give all they have to give. But at the same time, time can extend based on how much people are willing to listen, to learn, to adapt, and to grow.
There in lies another problem. Growing can also mean growing together or even apart. All these things determine the ability to laugh at yourself, live with each-other, live in the moment or let the moment pass…
My goal is learn to LIVE, laugh, and love more than I did yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.